my favorite lie

While talking to my mother i pride myself in having a lot of friends.

i go in my room and cry over my favorite lie.

the thing is, and not to sound pathetic, or like someone who is begging for attention, or a hug, or anything lame like that, but the thing is i just know a lot of people.

i know people to drink with.

that is mostly where it ends.

dont get me wrong i love my friends.

i really do.

i cant talk to them though. 

i dont open up.

i guess they dont open up either.

this is why i havent been out in weeks.

i sit in my room.

i dont know what excuses i will have once school is over for the semester.

im finding a job, and working weekends.

i dont want to go out anymore.

i want to grow up.

im getting off the topic i set out in my head.

i can talk openly about my feelings with about three people...sorta.

beth is one, we dont talk much anymore, we are busy.

she is busy.

she has other friends she can talk to.

mike is another.

we cant talk much either.

he is in TN.

the sadness i feel about this is something i have never felt before.

he was, he is, my best friend, possibly the best i ever had.

ive never had a best friend move away.

im happy for him though.

im happy hes getting his life together.

i feel guilty for being miserable about it though.

strangest of all my best friend relationships is norm.

we dont hang out and never have, yet.

we send about 100 text msgs a day.

i spill my guts to him almost everyday.

and sometimes he lets something about him slip.

things that only make me love him more.

right now it feels like hes all i got.

i told him about this today.

he asked questions.

about other people i talk to him about.

and why i cant talk to them.

"i dont open up to many people"

i said. 

it was true.

i am more open with him then anyone else.

he makes me laugh.

he tries to make me smile even when i am mean to him.

i really care about him. 

i wish hed give me a chance.

id never do anything to hurt him.