the phone call

Im laying in bed last night feeling miserable about everything.  Im waiting for a text when my phone rings.  It is not a text, its a phone call from my ex ex ex boyfriend.  The one i really loved,  the one who really loved me but treated me like shit.  The one who broke my heart and I his.  

Well he called to apologize.  He had found emails from me.  From just about four years ago.  he called to say sorry for being such an asshole, for treating me the way he did.

We were so young, and i know deep down that i really did truly love him, and i can not say that for any other boy.  Not one boy since him that I've dated, or talked to, or had sex with, i loved none of them.

We talked on the phone for an hour, its been months since i did this with a boy.  We talked about the good times we had, the bad times, we talked about now, we talked about our family.  We laughed.  And it was nice. 

However it did not help my condition.  It made it worse.

I am so afraid that I am never going to be able to find anyone that loves me and treats me how i want. I've nearly given up the thought entirely.  The odds are against me.  There are more women in this world then men.  There are not enough lesbians to make up for it, even if they could there are gay men too so we would back to where we started.  

The boys I wrote about in my previous entries...I don't like them.  I realized that this morning.  I want to like them, and thats where it ends, thats how i got confused about my feelings.

I'm just a mess.